Monday, April 2, 2018

The Suicide Spirit (2014 re-post)

I guess I was 9 when I first noticed a fog overtaking me. It was like I stepped out of the world. I could see you, but I couldn't feel you. I could hear you, but you weren't listening to me. Disassociation is what they call it now. They being people who think they can pull you out of it with enough sessions or a drug. I wanted to kill myself then and often in the years to follow. I would sit in my dark closet and smash my head against the wall behind me. I wonder what was in that part of my head, because it must be gone now. Maybe I would have given the world the cure for cancer. It is splattered in the closet of a house by a lake in eastern Michigan, if you want it.
I had many friends in my early teens. But my closest friend was death. It held me. It reminded me they didn't really love me. Always its dark arms were around me, waiting for my blood. But it was there and you weren't, so you take what you can get. At least I had arms around me.
I scarred myself with hate. You cannot imagine how much I despised me. Or, maybe right now you remember what it was like. Deep, pursuing destruction was in me and on top of me. If I died I would be free to roam with my friend, death, and live in his love. You could join us in defeat. It's warm there and we will put our arms around you too.
But it wasn't what it seemed. This is how I found out. You'll believe me, I think, but you won't know why.
I was sitting in a crowd, alone with many people. That's the most common feeling on our planet, isn't it? My eyes took them all in, as far as they would go. I was not a part of them. I couldn't be. I was something different. I didn't belong with them, though I longed to. I wanted to be loved. I wanted desperately to be seen. But I was utterly invisible. That day I would finally take my own life. I felt a bit of joy, which was foreign to me, with the decision. I was 15.
The man in the front was going on and on. He was irrelevant to me. A talker, not a doer. A man in a suit with stupid hair and arrogance so thick I could barely see him through it. On and on. Words that said crisply and clearly, "You don't count." Or so I thought.
Then the man stopped talking. He paused for a few moments and looked around the room seriously. He sighed and seemed genuinely concerned. When he spoke he changed my life.
"The Lord has told me someone in the congregation is contemplating suicide." He said.
I froze. I'd been seen!
"Who is it?" He asked. "Stand up."
I did not move. Come on, would you have stood up? But in my heart I was screaming, "Please! Please help me!"
Did God see me?
The man waited patiently. When no one stood up he said, "Well, God knows who you are. We're going to pray for you anyway."
With the booming church voice I hated so much and the goofy, big haired women swaying, those people prayed for God to break the power of the Spirit of Suicide. Hymnals scattered the floor, the crazy people spoke in tongues, all the people I was not a part of lifted me up and they did not even know who I was.
What I noticed first was the back of the metal chair I was holding onto so tightly. It was cold and hard. I could feel it. I hadn't felt anything in so long. I wanted to grab a hold of everything. I wanted to run outside and touch the trees. I wanted to scream and force the new air out of my lungs, the air I could feel for the first time in years. And I loved. I loved the woman with the tambourine behind me. I loved the stupid guy with the glasses in front of me. I loved you. And all these years later, 24 years to be exact, it has not stopped. I love you more than I hated me. I love you with abandon. I want you to feel and engage and love like this. I want you to be free.

51 comments:

  1. Sandi, this is such a great post. I think that I can relate to what you wrote when I was a teenager too. Mine lasted probably up to my mid 30's. My eye-opening was related mostly to burnout and recovery but my heart started to open mostly when I got my dogs. They saved me. :)

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  2. This is such a powerful testimony!! Wow.

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  3. Wow Sandi - thank you so much for sharing and reposting it. What is extra special with writing this is you may never know until the other side of heaven how many lives you helped when you wrote this post. It show others they are not alone. God Bless You friend. Hugs!

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    1. Thank you, Debbie. That's very encouraging!

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  4. Sandi, I was so touched by this story. It's a wonderful transformation from total desperation to love!!!

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  5. Wow Sandi, I am speechless. Thank you for this post. It has been eye-opening and heart rending. "I stand amazed in the Presence of Jesus the Nazarene...and wonder how He could love me, a sinner, condemned, unclean. How marvelous! How wonderful! And my song shall every be; How marvelous! How wonderful! Is my Savior's love for me!" (and you!!!!) Praise God. What a wonderful Easter message.

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  6. We sometimes need reminding of how we should pray for others, claiming the precious blood of Jesus over our loved ones contemplating suicide,as you say-breaking the power of the spirit of suicide. Thanks be to God for what you have written.

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  7. This is so beautifully stated, so bravely shared. Thank you for this, Sandi.

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  8. Hi Sandi, This is powerful! Beyond the usual blogging routine I’m accustomed to. You are so strong to share this. I wish there was some way I could make this post go viral. It may very well make the most important difference in someone’s life. Thank you Sandi and God bless you! John

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    1. Thank you, John. I am a little nervous about having this on here. Viral? If it helps someone, but it did make my heart skip a beat!

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  9. Wow you are resharing from 2014 yet it is as powerful now as ever. The enery of spiritual love is so powerful once it enters. Posting it now as we see youth struggling makes it awesome. May it reach out and touch many. Thanks for this deep moving reminder of love to be shared.

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    1. Thank you, Heidrun! I posted this here in 2014, but originally posted it on the new defunct writers' website Gather.com almost 10 years ago. I know that because of my math there (24 years ago has been 33 years ago now!) I can't believe it has been that long.

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  10. Hello Dear Sandi!
    I'm delighted. Great written.
    Sandi, do you write books?
    Hugs and greetings.
    Lucja

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    1. Thanks, Lucja-Maria. I write the beginnings of books. :)

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    2. That would be a great title for your book, Sandi!! With a whole collection of beginnings!!

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  11. hi sandi, what a profound read...how brave of you to share this story, remembering so many details!! how sad that you had this struggle, that so many struggle in this way!!

    my beliefs are different than yours but i am happy that you have some image of peace and love!!

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  12. What a powerful post, Sandi! It must have been difficult to share, but it is very important that you did. People contemplating suicide need to know that others have experienced what they are going through and to know that there is a life full of potential ahead of them if they can get past their current mental crisis. I know these feelings only too well because I've struggled with suicidal thoughts throughout my life. The closest I ever came to suicide was one night about 3:00 am in the morning in rural Kansas. I was going to do it, and an oil rig driller made me so angry that I decided to prove him wrong before I left the rig site to kill myself. It was the turning point for me, and I bean to climb out of the darkest period in my life. One day I'll post about that. Meanwhile kudos to you for sharing. You never know who your words will comfort and encourage and possibly save. Take care, my friend!

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    1. Thank you, Fundy. I am glad you did not do it!

      Your words mean so much to me. I was just feeling funny about having put this on here. It reveals so much and it is very personal. Kind of makes me feel too vunerable. But your words and the other comments here make me feel like it is okay.

      God bless you.

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  13. Vividly written, Sandi.

    I knew someone who did take his life- a deep schizophrenia contributed to that.

    I live with depression, brought about because of emotional abuse from my sisters, and years of shutting myself down. When it was at its worst, for a moment I had that impulse, to just end myself. The next moment I gave myself a needed mental slap, and it never came back. When I started with my therapist she asked about suicidal feelings. It's the only time I've ever felt that, and the only thing that scares me is the idea of going back to that low point in my life.

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    1. Thanks, William.

      That is heart-breaking and horrifying. It is such a desperate road and so against the natural will to live. I struggle to even put it to words, but it is not the way we are meant to be. I am sorry to hear about your friend. I am glad to hear you are okay now.

      I hope you can find a way to forgive your sisters. It is a major step in healing. Don't ever go back down to that low point. Jesus is real and He won't ever let you down. He understands.

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    2. From a psychological point of view, forgiveness comes at that point when what once made you angry just leaves you sad. It doesn't mean you have to make nice with those who hurt you. My therapist has noted, and I agree, that if the people who have hurt you never show any sign of changing, let alone penance, you don't have to have them in your life. They haven't, they're toxic people, and I decided some time ago that my emotional well being had to come first, and that meant severing ties. They'll never change, and too much damage was done. Protecting myself had to come first. I just regret that my mother went to the grave with this rift between her children.

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    3. You're right. About all of that.

      But forgiveness is about setting you free not them. You can't even set them free, only yourself. I have a memory that used to sting. When I forgave I still had the memory, but no sting. Just sad, I suppose, like you described.

      Thanks for sharing this here, William. It's not an easy thing to talk about and appreciate your willingness to speak.

      God bless you.

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  14. Wow Sandi! Like all the other commenter I appreciate your openness and courage. Our testimonies bring hope to others, to the world. Thanks for sharing your story. God is good and so important to show the world there is hope and to be there for others, obeying the Holy Spirits promptings to serve and be a light for another.

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  15. Oh I am here to say, wow I am so glad you posted this! I validate you and support you in every way I can as a person and blogger to have the courage to write this. You will have helped so many by opening the door and giving women the language to speak of dark things. You have been part of the movement to give permission to women to be real. And by the way your writing is exquisite and I am with you all the way .....I know how vulnerable you feel and how much courage it takes to open up your soul, I got a lot of bad comments when I published out my writings but glad I did it.

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  16. Outstanding writing dear Sandi!!!


    from my oldest journal i see that how i used to fantasize the death!
    for either
    it is froodom

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  17. Wow. I feel utterly stunned. Thank you so much for sharing this.

    Diana

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  18. Yes, God knows who everyone is.

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  19. What a powerful testimony and written with such purpose that comes from that power! Thank you for opening yourself up that others might know that they aren't the only ones who feel this way. May the Lord richly bless you, Sandi, for your openess in sharing.

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  20. Hello Sandi, your writing and post is powerful. Wonderful message. Happy Thursday, enjoy your day!

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  21. I am very moved by your words. They are detailed and powerful indeed. I truly understand your expressions as I do have many spiritual encounters too from time to time. I am also a caregiver with the NGO who provides palliative care for the dying patients. My mind often wanders into life and death subjects daily.

    Have a good weekend.

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  22. Thank you for your return visit to my Blog.

    Praying for you.

    God bless.

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  23. Thank you for being so open Sandi! The Lord loves us all. Glad you have a great love for Jesus in your heart!

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  24. Hi Sandi, Stopping by for a second time: Thank you for your comment on my blog today. To answer your question, yes, the Tugboat MARTLE is stuck on some rocks. I had to look at that card for a long time. Can't imagine how the boat ended up like that, but there is the image. My guess is it got caught on the rocks as the tide was going out and that left it high and dry. Thanks again. Hope you have a fine rest of the weekend. John

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  25. What an open testimony Sandi. Thank you for sharing it with us. Have a blessed weekend my friend.

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  26. What a wonderful testimony of God's goodness and salvation. He brought freedom to you and so many others due to his great love. I am always in awe. May your words be a lifeline for others suffering from this oppressive spirit of death and suicide. Hugs.xx

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  27. Oh my goodness, this is such a, take my breathe away post. I know someone who could use this right now, going to send it to them, put it on my facebook. Great honest writing, thank you.

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  28. So amazing Sandi, what a beautiful and unexpected post. Surely many are contemplating this same thing now, its so amazing that God brought you to that moment in church! He is amazing beyond amazing, Praise God. Yes, as others said, may your testimony release healing and prayers for others. How is it that we go through our early years with such hatred for ourselves? I know I had that about feeling outside, invisible, and sometimes remnants are still felt, and I love that last line of yours and expression of fullness of His Love. Makes me see how truly it is God`s love that casts out all our doubts and self hate and fear, may many come to know Him today, and those who still have remnants of anything that is not love, may it be cast out too!! He is the Saviour and He is the Lord! God Bless You!

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  29. You are right that suicide is a spirit that must be dealt with spiritually. How thankful I was to read how the Lord touched you in the moment of your darkest despair, redeeming you! How amazing is His love for us! You write very powerfully Sandi, and I pray that these words will serve to encourage someone to not give up but to look to Jesus. He alone holds the answers for the darkness and spirits that oppress. Greater is HE that is in us than he that is in the world. Blessings to you sweet friend!

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  30. In the past two yeArs I have learned so my about our LORD, How he knew our destiny before we were concieved. I too Sandi wanted to die for years and years and moments in the years to come. God has told me that my life is precious and I wasnt a mistake or a accident. And now to see my daughter actually take a bunch of pills die and be revied hurt my heart deeply. I haven’t said this I’ve kept it all between me and the LORD. My daughter was saved a few months back when she was feeling the same. She had a baby which causes the baby blues she did ok this time because they had he on new medicine but three months later she started feeling not goid they raised the med level but they failed to say it would be two weeks before it kicked in then this happened. Thanks Sandi for sharing this with me. Im going to send this to her, with love Janice

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